Lafayette Couples Therapy

How to Deal with Infidelity in a Relationship

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When infidelity occurs in a relationship, it can be very devastating for the parties involved. Infidelity involves breaking a promise to be completely faithful to your partner, and when it happens, it erases the trust that existed in the relationship. Dealing with infidelity can be pretty challenging and it raises tough questions. Should you stay? Should you forgive? Can trust be rebuilt? Will things ever be the same? If you’ve just found out that your partner has been unfaithful and you’re not sure of what to do, this article is for you.

It’s important to note that infidelity can occur in any relationship. We often think it’s never going to happen in our relationship, but existing statistics show that infidelity occurs in about a third of relationships.

Why do people cheat?

People cheat for a variety of reasons, and it rarely has anything to do with the person that’s being cheated on. You might think your partner was unfaithful because of something you did or didn’t do, but that’s rarely true. Here are some reasons people cheat:

– To feel desirable
– Impulse/Lack of self-control
– Boredom
– Impaired decision making under the influence of drugs or alcohol
– Sex addiction

Remember that none of these reasons is an excuse, and the cheater made choices.

Can a relationship survive infidelity?

Yes, it’s possible for a relationship to survive infidelity, but it means that both partners have to be willing to work hard at rebuilding the trust that has been broken, healing, and making the relationship strong again.

Here are a few tips:

– Talk about the affair- It’s important for both parties to have an open and honest discussion about the affair. It also helps to talk to a relationship counselor together, and explore ways that you both can heal faster.
– Remember the good times- Cheating is painful, but it helps to reminisce about the good times and all the wonderful things your partner did for you in the past.
– Tackle old issues- Now is a great time to tackle all the underlying issues in your relationship and create a fresh start.
– Practice radical honesty– Try to be completely honest with each other about how you feel and how you want to be loved.
– Set a timetable for recovery- Both of you need to be intentional about your recovery. The cheater needs to allow the betrayed party ample time for healing, and honor the other person’s recovery process.
– Start something new- Remember how excited you both were when you just fell in love? Rekindle that magic by doing an activity you both enjoy together, and incorporating more romance into your relationship.
– Reaffirm your commitment- There needs to be an understanding that infidelity will never occur in the relationship again, and a willingness to keep that promise by both parties.

In rebuilding a relationship damaged by infidelity, patience is key. With the support of each other, family, friends and a good therapist it is possible for a couple to move past an affair and become even stronger. I offer relationship counseling services for couples who find themselves in this difficult situation, and you can contact me to book a session.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

5 Reasons You’re Spending Too Much Money

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“Too much month at the end of the money” is a phrase many of us find funny and relatable. But serious financial problems are no laughing matter. Finding yourself eating rice and beans until payday because you spent too much on electronics or the latest fashion trend might seem like no big deal, but what about the big picture? What happens when an emergency comes up? What happens when it’s time to retire?

A 2016 report on financial capability by FINRA Investor Education Foundation found that about 60% of Americans spend about equal or more than their income. And, a GoBankingRates survey in the same year found that 70% of Americans have $100 or less saved for retirement[1]. Not only are most Americans retiring without a savings, they’re retiring in debt.

With statistics like these, you may be ready to start making more responsible money decisions. Here are five reasons you’re spending too much money, and what you can do to change your mindset.

I can’t wait!

There’s nothing quite like instant gratification. But indulging in that impulse buy will either blow your budget, lower your cash flow for the month, or put you further in debt. If you save the money to make that purchase in cash instead, you’ll not only find out over time if you still want it, but you’ll also save potentially hundreds of dollars in the interest you would have paid if you bought it with credit.

It’ll make me feel better.

People often use “retail therapy” to give themselves a mood boost. If you’re feeling down or depressed, find other sources of comfort like a bubble bath, a cup of tea and a book, or a walk in the park.

I’ll be getting more money soon.

Too often, we overestimate our potential for earning money, and underestimate future expenses. If you’re looking to create a comfortable nest egg for yourself, you need to focus on rising future expenses to avoid buying something you really can’t afford.

It’s a special occasion.

Everyone likes to spend a little extra money on a special occasion, but unfortunately, special occasions seem to roll around more often than most of us can afford. Curtail your special occasion spending by setting a cap for the year, then budgeting by month. Save money by planning ahead or handcrafting gifts.

I earned it!

If you just finished a complex project or landed a big client, you might be tempted to overspend to reward yourself. Of course, you earned it, but making responsible financial decisions means you’re making choices not just for your happiness and comfort today, but for decades into the future.

Are you struggling with finances and need help becoming a better money manager? Call my office today and let’s set up an appointment to talk.

[1] 2016 GoBankingRates survey (https://www.gobankingrates.com/saving-money/data-americans-savings/)

Filed Under: General

How Being an Over-Involved Sports Parent Can Negatively Impact Your Relationship with Your Children

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We’ve all heard of it before, or perhaps even seen it first-hand: the sports parent on the sidelines, screaming at their child or the coaches. They may mean well and think they’re being encouraging, but they’re negatively impacting their child’s sports experience. So how can you tell if you’re an overly involved sports parent?

Social Media

You may have noticed when a sports parent friend or family member gloats on social media when their child succeeds. You may even be guilty of this yourself. They show ribbons, trophies, or happy, smiling photos when their child wins, yet say nothing when they lose. To foster confidence in children, we should put emphasis on their effort, not focus on their success while downplaying a loss.

Losing Your Identity

You may have “softball mom” t-shirts or even a customized license plate. You may schedule your life around your son or daughter’s sports events, or have an empty feeling when you can’t attend one of their games. You might personalize their success or failure by thinking or saying “we won” or “we lost.” If some or all of this sounds familiar, you might be over-involved in your child’s sports activities.

Obsessed with Winning

Parents that are over-involved in their children’s sports activities tend to obsess over wins and become sad or angry over losses. If you count your child’s points or offer a prize when they win or a sour attitude when they lose, you’ve become over-invested.

It’s natural for a child to crave their parent’s love and acceptance. It may be difficult to see how your expectation or encouragement to win is negatively impacting your child, as it might appear to be working. However, when you pressure your child to succeed, they stop having fun and are instead focusing on pleasing you and making you happy.

Instead of expecting or hoping for a win or the most points, concentrate on helping your child build confidence. Find out from your son or daughter what motivates them to play, then change your perspective to match theirs as you encourage and support them.

It’s important to understand that what you might see as gentle encouragement for your child to win or to be their best, is actually creating unneeded stress and pressure on your son or daughter. Parental expectation on a child to succeed does not create a confident or successful athlete.

If you think you might be overly invested in your kid’s sports and need some help, please call my office at your earliest convenience so we can set up an appointment.

Filed Under: Family Therapy

Navigating LGBTQ Parenthood with Your Partner

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The phrase “traditional family” no longer means one mom, one dad and two-point-five kids. Today’s families are diverse, with many lesbians and gay men forming a family unit through adoption, foster care, artificial insemination and other means. Research estimates that between six to 14 million children live with at least one gay parents in the United States alone.

Though it is, in some ways, simpler for LGBTQ adults to become parents in today’s more-inclusive climate, that doesn’t make it an easy proposition. Parenting is hard enough, but raising a child in an LGBT partnership or as an LGBTQ individual can be particularly challenging. This is especially true for those parents who live outside of bigger metropolitan areas with larger gay populations, where there is little to no chance of interacting with other LGBTQ parents.

Here are some of the most common concerns I hear from my LGBTQ clients when they begin to think about starting a family:

What About Role Models?

A big concern in the community is that a child will suffer from not having a male or female role model present on a daily basis. But research has shown that children of two moms and two dads grow up to be perfectly healthy and happy, in some cases more so than children who grew up in heterosexual households where a mom and dad were both present.

What About Homophobia?

It’s understandable that LGBTQ parents would worry that their child would be taunted, or even assaulted, because of their “non-traditional” family structure. No parent can 100% guarantee that their child will never be taunted or bullied, for any reason. LGBTQ couples and individuals should talk candidly with their children and prepare them for any possible negative interactions with peers. The best thing to do is to set an example by always standing tall and proud in the world, and not shying away from a confrontation while not escalating it.

What About Cost and Legal Issues?

LGBTQ parents can’t simply try to conceive, there is much more thought, planning and cost that goes into starting a family. Statistically, women make less money than men. When you factor in that getting pregnant can be incredibly expensive, you begin to understand why so many lesbian couples decide to hold off on becoming parents until they are financially stable. For many, this means waiting until their late 30’s or even early 40s.

Same-sex parents must also tackle legal issues. For men, who will be the sperm donor, if trying to conceive through insemination? Women must determine who will carry the child. Much thought is necessary when considering custody and adoption arrangements, particularly if parents live in a state where getting legal recognition for both parents is next to impossible.

Navigating these complexities can be overwhelming and stressful, to say the very least. My clients have found it to be tremendously helpful just to have someone who will listen and try and help them explore all of their options. I am also able to help couples work through any tension they may be experiencing because of this stress.

If you are an LGBTQ individual or couple who would like some help navigating the often-emotional journey of becoming a parent, please get in touch with me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: LGBTQ

Parenting An Angry Teen

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Raising a teenager can be one of the most challenging experiences a parent will go through. Teenagers are in an awkward stage, dealing with hormonal changes that are out of their control and a developing brain. They’re awakening to new realizations about themselves and the world around them.

Teenage rebellion is a natural phase, however, handling it as a parent is anything but natural. If you’re struggling with raising an angry teen, here are some strategies that can help.

Keep Your Cool

It may be difficult to keep your cool when your teen is yelling at you, but as the adult, it’s important that you maintain control. Refrain from yelling, cursing, or name-calling your teen. Verbal abuse will only escalate the argument and will have a long-term impact on your child and your relationship. If your child is being verbally abusive, apply consequences to their behavior and speak in a calm, matter-of-fact tone.

Accountability, Not Control

Rather than trying to control your teen and their behavior, make them accountable. Set clear boundaries, and establish rules and consequences.

Listen

It can be difficult to listen when your child is yelling or angry. Your initial reaction may be to defend yourself or criticize. Rather than offering advice or judgment, actively listen to your teen. Be silent as they express themselves, and ask questions to better understand how they’re feeling. You can also calmly express that it’s difficult to listen to them when they’re angry and yelling. By genuinely trying to listen and understand them, you can teach them how to control their emotions and express themselves calmly.

Give Them Space

When your teen is angry and wants to storm off, let them go instead of following them and trying to continue or resolve the argument. It’s healthy for both of you to give each other space and time to cool off so you can revisit the discussion when you’re both feeling calmer.

Pick Your Battles

Your teen is going through a difficult phase, and needs empathy. Remember back to the times when you were a teen to help you empathize. There will be times when your teen is making a bigger deal of something than it needs to be, and as the adult it’s your job to know when to stand your ground, and when to let things go. Talk with your spouse to set boundaries and determine priorities of issues that can be compromised, and issues that are non-negotiable.

If you’re having difficulty with your angry teenager and want some help and guidance, call my office today so we can set up an appointment to talk.

Filed Under: Family Therapy, Teens/Children

The Impact of Grief on Relationships

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Experiencing the death of a loved one is one of the most painful things each person must face. The shock of your beloved friend or family member having passed away, along with the finality of their death is difficult to deal with.

Everyone Mourns Differently

The process of mourning is a very personal experience. Because grief is so personal, each person reacts differently to the death of a loved one; your instinct may be to reach out and connect, and the instinct of your friend or relative may be to retreat, distract themselves with work or hobbies or shut down.

Your relationship with the deceased was a unique one, so the process in which you grieve the loss will also be unique and personal to you. The close friends and family that you would expect to be there for you in one of the most challenging times of your life may not be present in the way you’d hoped or anticipated. Even your spouse or partner may not provide the comfort you’d expect.

Relationships Impacted by Grief Will Change

Although it’s disappointing and hurtful to experience what feels like a breakdown in your relationships when you need them the most, you must realize that your friends, family and spouse are likely also affected by grief, and going through their own process of mourning.

It’s also important not to rely solely on your spouse for comfort. It’s healthier for both of you, and will ease the stress on your marriage, if you have other people to turn to for help.

The impact of grief is an incredible strain on your existing relationships, as who you are as a person is temporarily altered as you struggle to cope with the loss and find a way to move forward. Your close friends and loved ones may have difficulty coping with how you’re mourning, causing them to pull away temporarily. They could also be very used to seeing you as a source of strength, and a pillar, and seeing you in this vulnerable state (in addition to possibly dealing with their own grief) is more than they can bear.

Seek Out New Sources of Support

Maintaining relationships takes effort, and they’re vulnerable to the difficulties we face as we move through life. You may need to turn to distant family members, other friends or acquaintances, make new connections through bereavement groups or seek professional help from a mental health counselor to find solace and understanding.

Although we can expect bereavement to change our relationships, we can also expect some semblance of normalcy as everyone affected copes with the loss over the passage of time. By forgiving friends or loved ones who weren’t there for you as you dealt with your grief, you can re-establish lost connections.

If you’re having difficulty with your relationships as you grieve and need some understanding and guidance, please give me a call and we can set up an appointment to talk.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Grief